How to get a Girlfriend / Boyfriend

*WARNING* CRUDE CONTENT. NOT SUITABLE FOR THE FAINT OF HEART.

It's been a hot minute.
HOT



No. Its been a cold minute. Like its so cold outside I want to shoot myself sometimes, cold. I won't allow it to be cold unless it snows, and if it snows, I will not attend work. YAYYY----
...in my dreams. -_-

Well today is actually going to be a blog about some insight into relationships. YEAH YOU OVER THERE. I AM SINGLE/I AM MISERABLE/NOBODY LIKES ME/BLABLABLAHH!!
-----Nobody f*cking cares.

EXCEPT now I am going to do something about it. Take it or leave it! For the single women, and the single men who just can't get it right.
This entry might blow your mind or blow your ...

So once upon a time there was a little girl who had a crush on this kid ... let's call him... Timmy. Now, she was LIKE toooootally in looooove with him. She would wait around and wait around until he would ask her to dance. And NEVER did. BOOHOO. As a 12 year old, this is devastating. Especially when you're trying realllly hard not to be a poser but to accepted by the twats that actually grow up to be losers and low-life welfare suckers. I mean, who would want her anyways? She was a nerd, straight-A student, naïve, uninteresting, no self-confidence, and had no idea about the world around her.

And then some time passed. And nothing magical happened. Nothing. Well, she gained a few pounds - 90lbs was a celebration. Confidence was up, hormones were sky high. And she had a crush again... This time with a kid named... well we can call him Wincey. Wincey was very nice, had curly hair, played guitar, and oooooo soooo dreamy!! And Wincey and this girl danced at band camp together. However, that was the end of that. And to this day he does not remember dancing with this girl. Ahole.

Then a magical, mystical creature appeared. That is when things changed... foooorreeevvverrrr...
Until she went to college, broke his heart, bounced around, and now has some pretty amazing insight about relationships, if I do say so myself - OH WAIT! I wasn't supposed to give that part away.

If you are single, it can go both ways. We can skip all the grand bullshit that you don't want to hear about ohhh you can bang whoever you want, or you don't have any attachments, you can live YOUR life, save money laaaa tee dah... But like I said NOBODY CARES. And your friends don't care either.
...

HOW TO GET A GIRLFRIEND:
1. Stop it with the bullsh*t and be real with yourself. Your looks may or not be astounding, but in the end, when you show your true self, you're either lovely or ugly. Check yourself.

2. Do something. Anything. Besides your job. Create a hobby, look for things that tickle your brain. Do things that you hate just so you have SOMETHING TO TALK ABOUT. Just don't be a total hater when you bring it up in conversation. Standing for something is something to be said.

3. This correlates with #2, become cultured, well rounded, bright, knowledgable. The last thing you want is to be at the table and have nothing to talk about. Sound familiar? Yeah, I agree, it sucks. It not only sucks for you, but it sucks for the girl when she decides to cut you short and never answer your calls. Why? Because you have nothing, NOTHING to talk about. Why are you calling again?

4. Stop it with the obsessions. Hobby: Something to do occasionally that brings joy in your life. Obsession: Something you do all the time and you'd rather pluck your eye out with a spoon than not have it . Unless of course, that girl is obsessed with  Anna Kournikova too, then I guess that's OKAY. She is pretty stellar...

5. Stop it with the cries. Stop being a depressed motherf*cker or should I say, you wish you were?.... Girls want a CONFIDENT man. Confident. And yes there is a fine line between confident and cocky. Confident: Yes I can do this, Cocky: I am the only one in the world who can do this.

6. Go out. Go to the bar. Go to the book store. Go for a walk. Go to the grocery store. Offer to pay for groceries - hit or miss. Look around you. Is she wearing a ring??? Does she have a kid??? Is she wearing socks with her sandals or is she wearing a cute dress or looks like she did her hair that day. A little insight: Girls that look like they made an effort are either A. high maintenance or B. SINGLE!! Try her on for size.

7. Practice. PRACTICE. Look at yourself in the mirror. Yes, do it! Just tell yourself some good things about yourself. Imagine a conversation. Have nothing nice to say? Do something about it.

8. Don't have a job? Get one. Don't have transportation? Figure it out. Don't be a Timmy. Nobody likes a broke ass boyfriend. And certainly not a broke-ass husband.

9. What have all your exes said to you... Think about it. Why did they break up with you? Any patterns? And you thought it was just them overreacting, aye? Looks like you need to re-evaluate their opinions because they are proooobably right. Ooooh I bet that hurt.

10. Whatever you do, DON'T LIE. With enough outside experience, shape shifting, research and application, you should be morphed into some HUSBAND MATERIAL. Not saying you are ready for marriage, but, would you want to be with you? Forever if that time comes?

11. High standards? Okay, maybe thats a good thing. But, maybe you've been looking at too many pornos, watching too many movies, or forgotten that your generation was raised on a white picket fence generation and Disney movies. This is 2013 (soon 2014) ... women work now, pinup girls are scarce, and your middle school crush is moving on with her life. So move on with yours, bring yourself to the level you expect your girl to be at, and pat yourself on the back.

For the Girlies...
HOW TO GET A BOYFRIEND:

1.Oh good God this will be difficult.

2. Just had to get that out of the way... Now what's wrong sweets? You can't get a boyfriend because A. You're not confident, B. You have baggage, C. You are too high maintenance? D. You are utterly and remotely dependent on your man. E. All men suck. Let me help you.

3. A. Your confidence: Who gives a shit if you are fat. Nobody cares enough to point out every fat person in the world. Why? You aren't the center of attention. If you can't be comfortable with yourself, then do something about it - for yourself. NOT for other people. Some people were born to be a lot of loving. Believe it or not, being skinny isn't any better. Advice for losing weight? Well besides my AMAZING and cursed metabolism, I may be called skinny for my soda and candy intake is about four times a year, my fast food intake is that or less, and I do basic mundane exercises regularly. Just do one exercise a day. That's one more than you were doing before. Eating less garbage and getting your muscles working will make you feel a ton better. Really, really, it will.

4. B. Baggage. You have a psycho ex-boyfriend. My solution: ditch him. Cut the cord. You know in your heart you will always love him, and he may (or may not) always love you. But that is not what makes a healthy relationship. You have to do something for yourself now, because in the end, it will only be you on your death bed. I doubt he will be next to you holding your hand. Stop thinking about it, he won't. Because you are cutting him off. Yes, you are, don't argue with me. If he continues to bother you, talk about you, to friends, anything - threaten a restraining order. Trust me, it works.

5. C. Pretty girl - You may end up in his house, with his money and your kids, not working. But is that your perfect set-up? Because you won't ever see your busy husband, and all of us middle class girls will be looking at you, rolling our eyes in disgust. Because you are just terribly spoiled. Your morals are in the wrong place and your psycho child making it hard for my kid to learn because he's spoiled rotten and throwing inanimate objects because he doesn't get enough attention from daddy - at my kid who actually has the potential to invent the cure for disease that your husband will die from. When your husband dies, what will you be left with? A big house and a Gucci bag? Good for you. Nobody respects you. This entry is not for you. /rant.

6. Men go after women who look like they are put together. Unfortunately in our society, women are seen as the perfect sex symbol. So if you are dressing in socks and sandals and expect to score a man because you want to "be yourself", try putting on some butt jeans and brushing your hair, you slob. Are you attracted to hobo-esque men? I didn't think so. GET IT TOGETHER. I don't wear more than mascara and I bum pants it alllll day. Why? Because I'm engaged, I don't need to attract anyone. Now- I'm not saying wear a trashy short dress and heels, just, take a shower and put a smile on. If you can't get anyone's attention, the only way is to make friends and mayyyybe they will see what potential you two could be. You can just wait and do nothing for yourself...

7. Girls like to jab. Jab jab talk talk peep peep chit chat paddywhack. Okay cool. Don't let the cat out of the bag on the first date. (This also applies to men). They don't need your whole life story on the first date. It freaks people out. And if you do go through all of it, you are a scary and boring person. Go do something so you can make more of a yes or no question.

8. Most girls wait for the man to come up to them. Well, I'm telling you right now, you will have to make the move. If you think he is Mr. Right, or could potentially be him, then take action! He may have overlooked you because he was watching the game on television; I don't know. Just go for it. Worst case he ignores you, then you can leave, or come up with a witty comment to make him feel like a tool. Or start incoherently screaming at him. That will get someone's attention...

9. Change your direction: Look elsewhere. If you're only into Hispanic guys, try a white guy. Just try it out. If you are racist, well, then, I can't help you. Try different foods, go different places. On your period? Too bad, you're going out tonight. Just. Go. Pound that Midol. Strap a hot pack to your belly. You get a FREE MEAL anyways! And potential leftovers. Get that chocolate brownie with ice cream. Get itttt.

10. If you are scampering around looking in all men's eyes for comfort, dressing like a prostitute, constantly doubting yourself, not wearing panties, sticking your tongue out like Miley or pretending you're the best thing since sliced bread, would you want you? Don't be dirty. Everyone has a history, start a new chapter and present yourself accordingly.

11. Whoops got off track - D. Utterly dependent on your man. - You are a gold-digger and this article does not apply to you. See # 5 of HOW TO GET A BOYFRIEND if you are still confused.

12. E. All men suck? Yeah all mean really do suck - maybeeee less than 3% are "husband material" - which makes our deal slim-pickin's, but WOMEN ARE ASSH*LES TOO. If this is something important to you, then you can't give up and give in. Just keep going.


Overall, y'all need to re-evaluate, broaden your horizons, take a shower and dress comfortably. Things will roll ahead.

-D



(Disclaimer: These words are based on true and factual stories. The names in this entry are replaced with a surrogate to protect the innocent. Some information may come off as biased and I don't care what you think. I am not a doctor. Please initiate for your improved luck with love.)